Why Artemis Fowl Hates Lollipops
by karatemaster101
Summary: "Today, Juliet offered me a very odd item and attempted to trick me into ingesting it. I am sorry to say that I was almost taken by her painfully simple ruse." A quick peek into the past of our favorite young genius should allow us to tackle the root of this problem, which seems to be a traumatizing childhood event.


**Foreword:**

**The inner workings of the mind of a genius are complicated, but even more so are those of a child prodigy. Caught between their supposedly simplistic and one-dimensional goals that instinct demands of them, yet with the ability to think laterally in so many more dimensions, young prodigies are not to be taken lightly. In fact, with their great minds not yet properly controlled and harnessed by their older, more mature selves, child genii usually end up in puzzles more convoluted than the schemes of adulthood. Unfortunately, given the small scope of their...adventures, shall we say, most of these early potential study materials go ignored.  
**

**Of the child prodigies, in this world there is none so much more baffling than Artemis Fowl II. I have taken care to preserve this personal reflection, written when our subject was approximately five years old, so that we may learn more about him -**

Artemis Fowl: Stop trying to sound smart. You will only succeed in appearing affectitious.

_**Well.**_**I _apologize _for using large words _properly_. **

AF: I can list several instances right now where a different word could have easily sufficed -

**On to the journal entry of a five-year-old Artemis.  
**

AF: If you are trying to pry into what a five-year-old me was thinking in order to understand me today, you are sadly mistaken. I advise you to cease your fruitless efforts before you waste too much time. Greater men than you have failed.

**Well, you know what? I'm not a psychologist trying to figure out how your overly complicated mind works. I'm only here to embarrass you. I've already read it. You were an extremely dramatic kid.  
**

AF: Why? What do you mean? Which journal entry did you take, anyway - NO! NOT THAT ONE!

**Yes! I took the Lollipop one!**

AF: You cruel, twisted -

**Too late!**

* * *

**Chronicles of a Child Genius: Part 5.5.17  
**

**- or -**

**Why Artemis Fowl II Hates Lollipops  
**

* * *

The Journals of Artemis Fowl II

Volume 5

_entry: May 17th_

Today, Juliet offered me a very odd item and attempted to trick me into ingesting it. I am sorry to say that I was almost taken by her painfully simple ruse.

At first glance, it appeared to be a red, translucent cylinder about three centimeters in diameter and two millimeters in height, situated on its side upon a thin, white rod about eight centimeters in length. She stated that it was expressly for me, since I had been a "good boy," which immediately had me on guard.

I am not above admitting my own faults. One such fault is that I know I have not been, neither in the past nor the present and certainly will not be in the future, a "good boy." At that point, I then gave her the benefit of the doubt and supposed that her painfully miniscule vocabulary had lack of a better term for "well-behaved." However, that brought me to a second reason for suspicion - for the five years, eight months, and sixteen days I have been in existence, give or take, I have always considered myself well-behaved, being more mature and intelligent than most, if not all, of the children my age. Why suddenly reward me now? And on such an arbitrary date - a reasonable person would have chosen a set milestone.

At that moment I confronted Juliet on her odd behavior, though not because I constantly do not trust her. Even after these rather mortifying moments transpired, I still do not think that she would purposely cause me harm. However, unfortunately for me, as we are about to find out, she does have a penchant for rather childish pranks.

In any event, Juliet presented to me this odd...object (despite my large vocabulary, I am at a loss for words as to what to call it) and told me that I would like it. Needless to say, that made me even less inclined to listen to her, for she has mistakenly judged what I enjoy too many times before. I would have left then and there, but she would not stop following me around and talking to me until I at least partially obliged to her demands.

In retrospect, I must admit that Juliet is far more intelligent than I initially gave her credit for. Her consistent badgering, though very costly in terms of time and energy, is still effective. By not allowing me, her target, even a moment's peace to even think, merely through the sound of air moving through her pharynx, she managed to torture me into complying. A very clever way to force another to one's will without violating any federal laws or basic civil rights, I must say.

But enough of that. I underestimated the potent power of her so-called "gift." Thinking only to appease her, and not of the consequences of my own actions (a severe misjudgment on my part, and an embarrassing chapter in my life that shall not be spoken of again), I decided to give this new item (which was established as..._edible_, because I refuse to call it food) a taste.

I will not write here what happened, for mere words cannot even hope to describe the pain my abused taste buds felt as they came into contact with that awful - well in short, it was the most brutal experience I have ever encountered. No amount of water will ever wash the taste of artificial sweetener from my mouth. Ever.

Despite the danger, I have decided I will run tests on this mere, harmless-looking object which has somehow managed to floor even me. As a precaution (for I am wisely concerned about my personal safety) I will not have any of these tests involve taste. I will, however, determine the chemical breakdown of the various ingredients to understand why there was such a negative effect on my taste receptors. So far I have only identified dihydrogen monoxide, sucrose, and high fructose corn syrup, which seems to make up a majority of the mixture. Evidently, these three items seem to be lethal in highly concentrated amounts.

Currently, I see Juliet eating one of those infernal things - and from her facial expression she seems to enjoy it. Perhaps there are genetic factors that determine whether or not a person enjoys this...this _object_, like being able to taste phenylthiocarbamide or smelling cyanide.

Once I have determined the source of my misery, however, I will be sure to hunt down and destroy every single one of these sugary deaths. It is not so difficult - currently, many world governments are facing fuel shortages and rising health care costs (although a great deal of countries in "fuel shortages" actually have secret stockpiles of government-owned oil and natural gas that they conveniently do not make public knowledge).

These things may be highly toxic, but through several burn tests I have determined that they also have an extremely high energy content. There may be some use for them, after all. They would make a good source of renewable energy, as sucrose and corn syrup are always readily available.

Considering that the human body uses natural sugar compounds to nearly 40% efficiency - which is better than any synthetic modern internal combustion engine - this should not be a problem. The Brazilian people are already using ethanol-based energy to run their cars and such - ethanol derived from the sugar cane plant, which is the world's largest crop, and also the main provider of sucrose - which happens to be one of the main ingredients in Juliet's stick of death.

Ultimately, if all of these items are burned, there will be no more for anyone to eat, thus contributing to the reduction of the growing rates of obesity in developed countries.

Thus, it is a win-win situation for everybody. There will be enough energy to go around, airline companies will not have to waste money manufacturing bigger seats, and I will never have to face one ever again!

If the world does not comply, I shall simply buy out every single one of these companies and convert them to technological industry providers.


End file.
